I just lost the last hope of reconciling with the lady I love.
All down to some silly thing and I lost her from my life.
For a whole month, I kept texting but she won't reply.
I was between despair and hope for a whole month.
And as pathetic as it sounds, the day she started plugging away from social media, I knew we were done, but I couldn't give up on her. My mind was & is in such a disarray.
I visited her in her city and she was livid that I came unannounced but doesn't want to take into consideration that she blocked all channels of communication, and i was desperate incase she makes sure she doesn't meet me
Not a nice conversation and my self respect has taken a hit but it didn't matter because she was significant in pulling me through a rough patch.
I tried to get a mutual friend to get her to understand but she is too far gone.
I don't know what to do now. I have lost all hope. I am massively depressed. I remember her in everything. I feel the loss every other minute.i have lost all appetite, so much so that I have lost weight and feel really weak. I haven't slept well in ages. I have to travel 5 hours to work and those hours I only have her in my thoughts making it extremely hard to think of going to work. I have skipped quite a few days because I couldn't bring myself to even take the shower.
I am hurting a lot.
I don't have many friends so I am posting it here. I need an outlet. Can't tell family despite them showing concern. Can't tell work to give me work from home. I am not sure how to move on from this without breaking down like I am right now crying at a hotel lobby as time ticks by. I mailed her to meet me & help me get a closure.
I have a flight in 5 hours and I need to depart for airport in an hour and every minute is a stab to my heart as I constantly refresh my mail.
It's pathetic. I am not a bad person. Never fought, never said anything wrong to her. Such a trivial mistake and no room for forgiveness.
This day will be tough to hold myself straight till I reach home.
I lost someone who loved me. She proposed to me and I can't tell how much that means to me. Who wouldn't want to be with someone who loves you on her own will. Not pestered, not arranged just unconditional love and it went away so sharply from me.
I am hoping against all odds that she still responds but it is not going to happen. I am throwing my thoughts out here as an outlet and I will be massively embarrassed to ever come here again.
And what's the point Wenger and Arsenal make me even more depressed.
Everything has gone for shit. Social media reminds me of her, traveling reminds of her, work reminds me of her, romantic gestures reminds me of her, watching happy couples eats me inside, football doesn't make me happy, the other day couple of guys were talking about PL and it felt like torture, health has gone, I am lonely, mentally I can't think straight.
I will move on, I might find someone but I can't shrug off a feeling that I have lost big time.
The upcoming weeks, months or possible year will be hard to get by.
I wish I could sleep it all off but I can't . I fear for days ahead.
I don't know what to do. I still love her. I messed up big time guys.
I will be not self harm but that physical. I have suffered a lot in life and it has taken a toll mentally which took me time to rectify. I just wish that I can keep my sanity and not let my mind get fucked.
Am i a bad person? Does getting dumped signify a flaw in me? I don't even know the exact detail why this happened. I am speculating. I am constantly reliving those 5 days where it all got messed up. I keep speculating about thing I did and curse myself.
I wouldn't give a fuck about anyone but when a loved one shuts the door on you, I feel like I am not aware of my flaws and I am not aware if I am a bad person.
I asked her that. I am not a bad person she said.
Then why do I feel like I will never be loved again.
Why do I feel so pathetic?
I used to laugh at people crying after girls and here I am, a grown man, crying in hotel lobby with a running nose.
I want to talk to her, at least to end it on a good note but why does she have to be so insensitive that she won't even give me that. I don't know what have I done that she believes there has to be no communication at all. Why does she feel she doesn't need to inform me about her decision and I have to suffer the paranoia for a whole month and only find it by seeing myself unfriended on Facebook.
Why do I feel she has treated me unfairly yet can't bring myself to be angry at her?
I am not coherent here much like when I visited her and the anger in her eyes because I came unannounced was killing. I couldn't get her to sit down because she felt I would possibly hurt her. She stood by her bedroom door just in case I lose it and she could escape to her bedroom. She demanded distance. I could understand her cautiousness yet I felt insulted that she thought I could ever hurt her.
I had an business trip to her city but I decided I will go before so I don't spoil her weekend. I stood by bus stop at 3am in cold, travelled for 17hours, visited her on Sunday waited for 5 hours at her door step. Her first words on seeing me - what the fuck!!
Not any effort she seems to appreciate. I told her I had a completely paid trip next week but I didn't want to spoil her weekend but no effect. She doesn't give a fuck.
Why do I still want her?
Why do I still remember the best times with her?
Why do sleeping reminds me of our time in bed?
It sucks guys. I can't hate her. She has helped me.
I used to troll you guys because I had a shitty life. She helped me get my life back and now that life is eating me. I can't stand anything because everything represents her.
I didn't run away from this place, I just couldn't
And I just can't.
I will be alright but I don't know when.
Sorry if this is a stupid whinning threads suitable for teenage girls who are not mature enough to deal with life issues.
I just needed an outlet.
I hope situation with Arsenal gets better before it gets better for me, so I can be delighted for you guys. I will be delighted for you guys. Sorry if I have ever said anything hurtful to any of you.
I am really sorry about all my stupid comments.